argvarg

 

I have you, and you have me.                                                                                                          

                                                                           

It was autumn, a bit chilly, but the sun was still shining. I had left my hometown where I had lived my whole life. Not until we moved away I understood, I never belonged there. That town hated me, and they did everything they could to show it. I had started a new school in a city where everyone's welcome, it doesn't matter what color your skin is.
The new school was nice.
I was really hurt at that time by what I had been through, but I was confident that I was gonna forget all about it!
A guy came along. He acted nice. He wasn't. He was one year older than me, at least that's what he told me..
I just wanted a friend. He turned our relationship into something else, something I didn't want. He kept nagging about us being sexual together. I didn't want that. One day he came home to me (to my house in my hometown, thank god I don't live there anymore) we were just going to hang out, play some video games. We started making out. I thought that that was okay, but nothing more. He kept saying he wanted to have intercourse. Ofcourse I refused, I didn't even know him that well and my parents were home and I was just 13 years old at that time.
Then he said that he wanted me to do oral intercourse on him. If not, he didn't want to be with me anymore. I was young, stupid, afraid, lonely. To cut the story short, I did do that. I fighted to hold back my tears while I did it.
Then he went home. I never saw him again. I'm glad I never saw him again and hope I never will.
I started feeling really bad after that. Really, really bad. I started to slice up my arms. I'm glad that the scars are gone, and you can't see the scars unless you look really close or if I tell you.
For more than a year, I thought I had HIV/AIDS. I knew he had a sexually active life and he was bisexual. He could carry horrible diseases without telling me. I never managed to get myself checked. I was afraid. Til' a couple of months ago I got myself tested. I've never been so frightened before. I was shaking while walking towards the test results. Praise god and thank jesus, buddha or whoever is up there! I did/do not have HIV/AIDS! :D I was so happy and relieved. It felt like a big pile of crap had been lifted of my shoulders. It was so nice to feel that feeling of relief.
I knew then that I was ready to start my life again, or to continue it. I am a strong, independent young woman now (but I think I still need My momma and papa :/) I am happy now, and that's all that matters, right?
''If you're not happy, find a way to fix it.''

I can't say I know exactly who I am. I've never been good with describing myself because throughout my life I've never really known who I am. Once in school, my teacher said that we were going to write an essay which should reflect our personality. I couldn't do it, I couldn't write the essay. I've never felt that kind of frustration, of not knowing who you are, or how you should describe yourself. If I have to, I can only come up with three words: Kind (I try to be kind to everyone, even to those I strongly dislike), Loving (Love is the most important thing, love will save the world) and Caring (I care about our earth and all the people that lives on it, I care about human rights). Well, I guess that was a good start, of describing myself. One thing I can say about myself is that I haven't changed much mentally since I was 10 years old. I've always lived inside my head, I've never really gone outside of it. I want to, so badly, explore what the world has to offer (It's hard to say that when the worlds at war.. Bless you all).
Do you know who you are?

Do you believe that two people can be soulmates? I do. I believe there's someone out there for you. For every single person. Sadly everyone doesn't find their soulmate due to various reasons. My question now is, what happens if your soulmate dies? Will there be a replacement for you? Or will you have to be with someone elses soulmate, or be with someone whos soulmate have also passed away? Maybe you'll be alone, or die. I don't know, this is just something I've been thinking about.

So who is your soulmate? Someday you'll meet a person, now, you wanna hold on to that person because that person is someone who makes you the happiest and the angriest. You will be able to talk for hours and hours about anything, without getting bored. You will probably fight, alot, that makes you cry for days, but you'll understand what's important and make up. You will get a little frustrated when he/she doesn't pick up the phone or isn't online. You'll wonder, ''What is x up to?/Where is x?''. That person will have turned you in to something more beautiful than you were before. You'll love that person, not only for what he/she is, but who you are when you're with him/her. He/she will listen to everything you have to say, and you'll do the same. That person will know things about you that no one else does.

I mentioned in my last post that I need something to take me away. Someone to fill my heart with joy and love. Yeah, someone you could share everything that's happening between the ground of earth to the end of space, it would be nice, for a change. I've waited long, what seems to be a thousand years, but I'll wait as long as I have to, for me to find you. That gets me through the day, knowing that this is NOT the end! ''In the end, everything will be okay, if it's not okay, it's not the end.''

I need something. Something that will get me through the day without feeling a little sad and worried. I suppose there's nothing wrong with feeling a little sad and worried at the end of the day, it all depends on what kind of sadness you're feeling, and what kind of worry you're feeling. Well I'll tell you what kind of sadness and worry I'm feeling. I get a little sad because I honestly don't have any friends except for my one friend that moved away and don't meet that often, I love her and she's the best friend you can possibly have, but as I said, we sadly don't meet so much. I've always been alone, from grade 1 to high school that starts in two weeks. I've had a lot of fake friends and I've never felt so alone as I felt when I was around them. Grade 7 (and grade 8, but I will get to that later) was the worst year of my entire life. Thinking about it chokes me up. I was a strong lone wolf at that time, but I was also very sad, heartbroken, unstable person. I will always have these horrible memories with me, for my entire life, they have shaped me, but at the end of the day I'm glad I got through it.
Being shoved in to walls, being kicked at, being spit at, having food thrown at you, being stared at, being called names, being an outcast, hurting yourself because you think there's something wrong with you and you need to be punished, starting to cry in the middle of a lesson because you just can't hold it in anymore.

I accidentally started talking about me being bullied, but yeah, one thing lead to another.
I'm sad because I'm alone. I'm worried because I don't know what will become of me.

I thought I should spill out some stuff about me. I'm 15. I'm not your regular teenager, but I am a teenager, and I'm hurting just like every other teenager. I guess I don't fit in with the ''2012 teenager image'' when it comes to respect, trust, forgiveness and love. I'm not, the person who's like ''YOLO''. I'm sure that ''yolo'' have a different value than what most people value it as. It's ''You only live once'', right? So for the teenage girl/boy friend you have on facebook it means; drink liquor til' you vomit, ecstasy, have 'FUN', fool around with people, do stupid things, in other words forget about your dignity. Because YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE! Just because you might only live once does it mean you should be imprudent and reckless? Well it kinda became a debate now so Ima stop here. Right after this punctuation. No, right after I answer my question: No, you should not be imprudent and reckless.

I suppose I have a lot of pride, dignity and virtue within me. Those are some things I put great value in.

Call me old-fashioned, but once I fall in love, I'll stay in love.
No, I'll move forward in love, and the feeling will become greater for each moment we spend together. His love for me will be everything I desire, his love will linger on me wether he's beside me or not. We will be like magnets, every atom of our bodies will be combined. If he moves, I will move. Our bodies, spirit and soul will be one. He will have made a big imprint in my life and will continue to do that. I will love that being with my whole heart. And he will do the same. We will probably go trough hardships, but we will definitely also smile, giggle and laugh together (and at eachothers silliness).
We will respect, trust, forgive and love eachother, because that, my friends and foes, is probably what love is. Even though I haven't even experienced 1/10th of what I just described, I think love would or should be like that. My love will surely be like that. Maybe my next love will be like that? My first love that is.