argvarg

Är jag verkligen här, finns jag verkigen just nu. Tänk så är jag bara en illusion, tänk så är jag bara en liten stjärnas dröm. Det känns som om jag glider runt i rymden, vilse, ingen luft, knäpptyst

Jag läste precis klart en bok som heter "Innan jag dör" (Before I die). Det var längesen jag grät såhär mycket. Ett par veckor kanske. Flickan i boken var 16 år och hade leukemi. Hon hade en lista med vad hon skulle göra innan hon dog, därav namnet. Ifall ni vill läsa den så kan jag ändå inte spoila den för er, det är självklart att hon dör i slutet. Alla känslor hon känner genom bokens gång är känslor som jag har kännt själv en gång i tiden, och det gör ont att läsa och komma ihåg dessa känslor.
Jag grät så mycket mot slutets gång, mina ögon var blanka som kristaller, det finns fortfarande spår efter den blankheten. Tårarna rann sakta men i stort antal ner för kinderna. Vissa tårar rann rakt ner, vissa la sig vid sidan av min näsa, jag tryckte ihop tänderna och läpparna, läpparna var alldeles våta av tårarna. Vissa tårar rann ner under hakan, längs halsen. Några föll som hårt regn mot låren.

  Att flickan bara några år tidigare var lycklig och hade allt man kunde någonsin begära, en framtid. Jag var också rätt så lycklig för bara några månader sen. Sen så förstörde min pappa allt. Han är helt dum i huvudet, det har han alltid varit, men här går gränsen. Så mycket lidande som han har orsakat vad som är kvar av min familj. Att ha en familj, med mamma, pappa och två barn, är som jag alltid har velat ha det. Alla familjer har ju sina problem men livet var helt okej.

  Han ska ut ur lägenheten innan nyår, och jag ska aldrig någonsin träffa honom igen. Han försöker desperat, löjligt och irriterande att försöka ha kontakt med mig, men nej, JAG ÄR SÅ JÄVLA TRÖTT PÅ HONOM, HAN ÄR FULL AV SKIT. För några dagar sen kom jag in i vardagsrummet och gick fram till mamma och kollade ut genom fönstret, de pratade om att han hade hjärtklappning, så sa han "Vad gör det om jag dör?" Jag sa inget, men jag kände att han ville att jag skulle kommentera det, jag gick därifrån, jag tänkte för mig själv "Jag bryr mig inte längre, du har satt dig själv i den här sitsen‚ och nu finns det ingen som bryr sig om dig längre, kanske, men bara kanske, hon där Annika." Han var otrogen mot min mamma, om ni inte förstod det.
Jag måste skriva en uppsats om den boken, den har deadline kl 12. Jag har inte änns börjat.

Jag älskar julen väldigt mycket. Jag föddes 20 minuter innan julafton år 1996.

I lost a part of me yesterday. Someone who had a significant role in my life. Someone who was a piece of my jigsaw puzzle. I lost that part of me when I needed it the most. And it's never ever coming back. I never thought losing a friend would feel so unspeakably painful. I was in school, and were just going to shoot the pictures, the potraits and group pictures that you do every year when I got the text, saying that she left me. I started crying and panicked, I didn't want anyone to see me cry. I hurried to the restroom and broke down in tears.
I thought that maybe I shouldn't take pictures this year, I was too sad and I didn't want it to be captured and sealed on a paper forever. But I did it anyway. I noticed that the handsome photographer noticed that I was not very content at the moment, but I tried my best to smile and he complimented me.
Nothing will ever be the same anymore. But I'm going to try my best, and find happiness.

--------------------------------------------------------
Why do these bad things keep happening me

 

I have you, and you have me.                                                                                                          

                                                                           

It was autumn, a bit chilly, but the sun was still shining. I had left my hometown where I had lived my whole life. Not until we moved away I understood, I never belonged there. That town hated me, and they did everything they could to show it. I had started a new school in a city where everyone's welcome, it doesn't matter what color your skin is.
The new school was nice.
I was really hurt at that time by what I had been through, but I was confident that I was gonna forget all about it!
A guy came along. He acted nice. He wasn't. He was one year older than me, at least that's what he told me..
I just wanted a friend. He turned our relationship into something else, something I didn't want. He kept nagging about us being sexual together. I didn't want that. One day he came home to me (to my house in my hometown, thank god I don't live there anymore) we were just going to hang out, play some video games. We started making out. I thought that that was okay, but nothing more. He kept saying he wanted to have intercourse. Ofcourse I refused, I didn't even know him that well and my parents were home and I was just 13 years old at that time.
Then he said that he wanted me to do oral intercourse on him. If not, he didn't want to be with me anymore. I was young, stupid, afraid, lonely. To cut the story short, I did do that. I fighted to hold back my tears while I did it.
Then he went home. I never saw him again. I'm glad I never saw him again and hope I never will.
I started feeling really bad after that. Really, really bad. I started to slice up my arms. I'm glad that the scars are gone, and you can't see the scars unless you look really close or if I tell you.
For more than a year, I thought I had HIV/AIDS. I knew he had a sexually active life and he was bisexual. He could carry horrible diseases without telling me. I never managed to get myself checked. I was afraid. Til' a couple of months ago I got myself tested. I've never been so frightened before. I was shaking while walking towards the test results. Praise god and thank jesus, buddha or whoever is up there! I did/do not have HIV/AIDS! :D I was so happy and relieved. It felt like a big pile of crap had been lifted of my shoulders. It was so nice to feel that feeling of relief.
I knew then that I was ready to start my life again, or to continue it. I am a strong, independent young woman now (but I think I still need My momma and papa :/) I am happy now, and that's all that matters, right?
''If you're not happy, find a way to fix it.''

I can't say I know exactly who I am. I've never been good with describing myself because throughout my life I've never really known who I am. Once in school, my teacher said that we were going to write an essay which should reflect our personality. I couldn't do it, I couldn't write the essay. I've never felt that kind of frustration, of not knowing who you are, or how you should describe yourself. If I have to, I can only come up with three words: Kind (I try to be kind to everyone, even to those I strongly dislike), Loving (Love is the most important thing, love will save the world) and Caring (I care about our earth and all the people that lives on it, I care about human rights). Well, I guess that was a good start, of describing myself. One thing I can say about myself is that I haven't changed much mentally since I was 10 years old. I've always lived inside my head, I've never really gone outside of it. I want to, so badly, explore what the world has to offer (It's hard to say that when the worlds at war.. Bless you all).
Do you know who you are?

Do you believe that two people can be soulmates? I do. I believe there's someone out there for you. For every single person. Sadly everyone doesn't find their soulmate due to various reasons. My question now is, what happens if your soulmate dies? Will there be a replacement for you? Or will you have to be with someone elses soulmate, or be with someone whos soulmate have also passed away? Maybe you'll be alone, or die. I don't know, this is just something I've been thinking about.

So who is your soulmate? Someday you'll meet a person, now, you wanna hold on to that person because that person is someone who makes you the happiest and the angriest. You will be able to talk for hours and hours about anything, without getting bored. You will probably fight, alot, that makes you cry for days, but you'll understand what's important and make up. You will get a little frustrated when he/she doesn't pick up the phone or isn't online. You'll wonder, ''What is x up to?/Where is x?''. That person will have turned you in to something more beautiful than you were before. You'll love that person, not only for what he/she is, but who you are when you're with him/her. He/she will listen to everything you have to say, and you'll do the same. That person will know things about you that no one else does.

I mentioned in my last post that I need something to take me away. Someone to fill my heart with joy and love. Yeah, someone you could share everything that's happening between the ground of earth to the end of space, it would be nice, for a change. I've waited long, what seems to be a thousand years, but I'll wait as long as I have to, for me to find you. That gets me through the day, knowing that this is NOT the end! ''In the end, everything will be okay, if it's not okay, it's not the end.''

I need something. Something that will get me through the day without feeling a little sad and worried. I suppose there's nothing wrong with feeling a little sad and worried at the end of the day, it all depends on what kind of sadness you're feeling, and what kind of worry you're feeling. Well I'll tell you what kind of sadness and worry I'm feeling. I get a little sad because I honestly don't have any friends except for my one friend that moved away and don't meet that often, I love her and she's the best friend you can possibly have, but as I said, we sadly don't meet so much. I've always been alone, from grade 1 to high school that starts in two weeks. I've had a lot of fake friends and I've never felt so alone as I felt when I was around them. Grade 7 (and grade 8, but I will get to that later) was the worst year of my entire life. Thinking about it chokes me up. I was a strong lone wolf at that time, but I was also very sad, heartbroken, unstable person. I will always have these horrible memories with me, for my entire life, they have shaped me, but at the end of the day I'm glad I got through it.
Being shoved in to walls, being kicked at, being spit at, having food thrown at you, being stared at, being called names, being an outcast, hurting yourself because you think there's something wrong with you and you need to be punished, starting to cry in the middle of a lesson because you just can't hold it in anymore.

I accidentally started talking about me being bullied, but yeah, one thing lead to another.
I'm sad because I'm alone. I'm worried because I don't know what will become of me.

I thought I should spill out some stuff about me. I'm 15. I'm not your regular teenager, but I am a teenager, and I'm hurting just like every other teenager. I guess I don't fit in with the ''2012 teenager image'' when it comes to respect, trust, forgiveness and love. I'm not, the person who's like ''YOLO''. I'm sure that ''yolo'' have a different value than what most people value it as. It's ''You only live once'', right? So for the teenage girl/boy friend you have on facebook it means; drink liquor til' you vomit, ecstasy, have 'FUN', fool around with people, do stupid things, in other words forget about your dignity. Because YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE! Just because you might only live once does it mean you should be imprudent and reckless? Well it kinda became a debate now so Ima stop here. Right after this punctuation. No, right after I answer my question: No, you should not be imprudent and reckless.

I suppose I have a lot of pride, dignity and virtue within me. Those are some things I put great value in.

Call me old-fashioned, but once I fall in love, I'll stay in love.
No, I'll move forward in love, and the feeling will become greater for each moment we spend together. His love for me will be everything I desire, his love will linger on me wether he's beside me or not. We will be like magnets, every atom of our bodies will be combined. If he moves, I will move. Our bodies, spirit and soul will be one. He will have made a big imprint in my life and will continue to do that. I will love that being with my whole heart. And he will do the same. We will probably go trough hardships, but we will definitely also smile, giggle and laugh together (and at eachothers silliness).
We will respect, trust, forgive and love eachother, because that, my friends and foes, is probably what love is. Even though I haven't even experienced 1/10th of what I just described, I think love would or should be like that. My love will surely be like that. Maybe my next love will be like that? My first love that is.

I thought I'd write this in english, cause I like expressing my self in it..
It's been such a long time, so much shit has happend, so much good things has occured.

I'm glad that I am where I am right now. Right now, in this very moment as I write this post. No one will probobly read this, because not a lot of people know about this blog. This is not like a blog to me though, it's more of a diary, for myself. As much as I'm glad about where I am, I cried a little bit some moments ago because I feel so lonely- even though I'm kind of satisfied. I don't hang out with people so much, hardly happens. Some time ago I thought that maybe I should. A friend that I've known for a couple of years but never met came to my city on vacation, so we decided that it's time for us to meet, while he's here. I met him, it was nice, he was nice. I didn't feel lonely when I was with him. He is a very good friend, I trust him, and I know he's always gonna be there for me. I felt like I had everything in the world, I felt as if the world was gonna end the following day, that would be okay because I had met my wonderful friend, kind of.. haha, if you know what I'm saying, like, It's OK, everything will be OK, and meeting him was a better experience than I expected. I had the chance to meet him twice, it was going to be three times but he had to get home today, or yesterday since time is 00:51 (12:51 am).
I like being with him, hanging with him, he makes me laugh from the bottom of my heart. Ya know? Real, R E A L laughs. It's fun playing xbox with him. It's fun sitting on the bus laughing at things going on outside, people acting strange or laughing and fighting about what song we should play on spotify on the phone as we have one earphone each. It was nice leaning my head to his shoulder on the bus while listening to a lovely song.
It's not like I'm in love with him. He has a girlfriend since two years back. They're going strong and I wish them nothing but happiness, even if his girlfriend completely hates me for some weird reason that I don't know.

I hate not being in love. It's so nice. Yes I guess I've been sort of in love. He was the first one to ever give me that kind of feeling, and I was his. We were supposed to be together forever. But obviously, things didn't go that well.
L O V E, is such a wonderful thing. I just wish that people wouldn't use it so easily. Love is something utterly great, splendid, marvelous, fantastic, mesmerizing.

 

Kan man älska någon igen? Kan man bli förälskad i samma person igen även om det gått ett år utan
att ha varit med varandra, utan att pratat, utan att skrattat med varann och kännt den underbara obeskrivliga, obegripliga känslan?